Battling Core Lies: Adam Guillory

Over the course of the summer and the beginning of the school year, I’ve realized that I have this fear of not being wanted. This extends to obvious things, like looking for a girlfriend and anxiety about friend groups, and it goes to less obvious and more insidious things, like looking for a job, and what my perception of God is.

It’s a lie, obviously. I can observe that with just my senses. For a long time, though, despite being able to observe the lie, I was unable to do anything about it. The only thing, in fact, that gave me any inclination that it was such a core lie was coming back to Ruston this summer and seeing how much people here did want me, but that fear was still there. At that point, I had caught it red handed, but I still didn’t know what to do with it.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I’ve got my next counseling/therapy appointment. Up until this point, we’ve had a couple of deep interactions, but stuck to shallow ones, mostly just focusing on building up our own relationship between me and the counselor for when the dam broke. This particular day, which happens to be last Thursday at the time of me writing this, the dam broke. As I described one of the deepest lies/fears in my life that I’ve discovered so far, I saw the evil glint in his eye, of a man who's been called on to use his specific skill set. Here are some of the things that he told me, which I think are really good for me, and I am trying to put into practice.

First and foremost, he told me that what I am feeling is a lie, and that God is always going to want me and love me no matter what. This is independent of outside validation, though outside validation is good, and sometimes God uses that to show His love.

Second, he told me that I can actually fight these thoughts. The method he used for this was to make a declaration that I am not always going to be a person who thinks these things, and that when I think them, I should actively fight them. The declaration is important, because although it won’t inherently stop any evil thoughts, it is something to return to when they arrive. It also comes with the implication that I have enough power (through God) that I actually can fight these things and win. If I don’t have that power, then why fight?

Third, he told me the methods by which these thoughts arrive, which are from the devil. I had not considered this, because, although I am aware of spiritual battling as a concept, I haven’t put much into it because I didn’t want to always think, “The devil made me do it!” in relation to my own mistakes. The point he made, though, is that the devil can use anyone who sins (ie, everybody sans Jesus) to attack my weak spots. This is why Jesus told Peter, “Get behind me Satan,” and if Peter can be used by the devil to accuse or lie to Jesus, then I can be used to accuse or hurt my friends, and vice versa. 

Fourth, he told me that most of the time, when I fight these evil thoughts, I will lose, and that this will take time to implement. For him, it’s taken him 23 years to get some level of control over his thoughts and attack his core lie. I appreciated the honesty there. The important thing here is that the attempt is being made, and every time you fight, you have a chance- no matter how small- of winning. Every time you win, you make the next win a little easier. He likened this to building the walls of a city. Currently, my city has gaping holes in it where anything can get in, and I have to rebuild those walls while routing out the bad stuff wherever it currently is. Every time I successfully fight these lies, then I add one more brick to my walls. Eventually, I’ll have a strong enough wall that the devil doesn’t even try to attack there any more, because he knows he can’t win.

Finally, to return to God, he told me that though I will lose a lot, to trust in God’s strength. I am not defending the city alone, God is there with me. A thought I had today is the question of how many of these thoughts is God shooting down before they even make it to me? This means the only ones that will come are ones that He wants me to fight, in order to make me stronger and build me up. What may seem like insurmountable foes now are trivial to Him. He is also the One who brings any lies currently inhabiting me to light, and helps me fight them. There are no doubt some that He takes care of Himself, but I think He wants me to learn how to fight some for my own sake, so that when deeper evils come, then I’ll be prepared.

Progress will seem dreadfully slow. I have wondered in the past and will wonder in the future, that if God can just snap His fingers and remove all evil from me, why doesn’t He? The answer that satisfied me is that if God showed me how far along I’d be in 4 years, then I wouldn’t believe Him. God works at our rate, not us His. Furthermore, if God hadn’t let me struggle, then I would’ve long since given myself over completely to pride, and been in a worse state than when I had started. 

With all this said, I ask that you pray for me, that when I encounter things that I’ve declared I will no longer think about, that in fighting them, God will give success to the work of my hands, and that one day, God willing, I can be a saint.

Adam Guillory is a senior Engineering major at Louisiana Tech and has blessed our community with his presence and joy since he showed up on our doorstep the fall of his freshman year. His wisdom, excitement, and tenacious desire to serve are priceless gifts to our ministry. Adam is passionate about swordsmanship, D&D, puns, and his friends. He will be serving his fourth year on our Discipleship Team this school year, and it has been a delight to see him grow in his faith.